健身男追女仔手册 / Gym-Jam Guy's Guide to Impress Women

我常往本埠青年会的舉重室丶跑步場丶和游泳池運動,所以耳聞目睹,多少也明白一些健身男追女仔的手段,故在此將心得要領,畧加盬醋,列登如下,供諸同好,可發一噱!

1. Suck in belly, always.

2. Make it a habit of walking with your shoulders and arms sticking out as if your upper-body muscles are really bulky (this trick is from Dilbert, the cartoon character).

3. "Flesh and Flash": Wear form-fitting Spandex outfit to show off your 3 or 6-packs and flaunt your best muscle groups (only if you have it). Never eat or drink too much before a gym session cuz your belly will stick out (which is not cool).

4. If you cannot see below your belly button when standing up, forget abt Spandex and wear a size extra large T-shirt. Consider new hi-tech, shape-enhancement garments for men (used to call corsettes for women).

5. Walk around in the weight room with a thick worn-out leather belt, and carry the biggest chain you can find from the hardware store. But of courser, you will never use it to do the dips with the chain tying onto 45+ pounds weights.

6. Give compliments and weight-training advice to asthenic women with gazelle eyes and houri-form. Avoid Athena or her followers. Show your literary prowess and impress your new female acquaintance by quoting from Charlotte Brontë's "Jane Eyre" circa 1850 "I would not exchange this (one little English) girl for the Grand Turk's whole seraglio, gazelle eyes, houri-forms and all!" Say you like woman writers, but don't mention you read the soft-porns written by Anne Rice even tho she was the famous authour of "Interview with the Vampire" and other Vampire Chronicles stories and is now a born-again Christian. (Are you impressed yet?)

7. Avoid at all cost, the following opening lines: "Come here often?" "Didn't I see you somewhere before?" "Gees, you have beautiful eyes!" "Do you read lips?" "Do you know the word voluptuous comes from the Latin word "voluptuōsa"?" etc.

8. If you cannot find something original, or if you are a babbler, remember this advice from an older, hmm, I mean a more matured and experienced woman: "You are handsome with your mouth shut". The other good line is "Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman." But, that's another story for another day.

9. Wear Iron Man or Ultra-marathon T-shirts as if you were a finisher. Muay Thai kick-boxing or Ultimate Fighter T-shirts are cool too.

10. Pretend to admire yourself in the mirror while actually you are checking whether your T-shirt is worn inside out (not cool).

11. Give the sweaty look by spraying water on forehead and arms (that way you won't smell like a man's locker room),

12. Project power to your secret admirer(s) by grunting loudly and then dropping bar-bells, weights and all on the floor with a big bang.

13. Don't touch the Cosmopolitan magazine even tho you are dying to read the featured article "10 Best Turn-on's for Women". Instead, go for the manly man magazine such as "GQ", "Chill", "Security", and "Sports Illustrated" (but not the "Swim Wear" edition please, not cool).

14. Avoid tattoo on visible parts of your body with the word "Mom", any unknown Chinese word(s) suggested by a restaurant bus-boy, or your ex-girl friend's name. Barb-wire around the bicep is cool.

15. Avoid eye-contact with pot-belly mules (esp if you are one yourself) and point to your i-pod when they want to chat. Ask yourself: Will she see two Clydesdales having a serious talk, or more realistically two sumo wrestlers bumping bellies.

16. Trash talk: It is all right to talk trash with young bucks on topics such as best protein powder and the latest abt the ultimate fighters in the "Octagon" ring. I mean youthful talk is cool, esp if you are no longer a youth.

17. When nobody is watching, jerk the heavy weights with your waist and let it bounce to cheat. But don't do it too often or you will ruin your back (price of cheating) and lose face in front of the opposite sex.

18. Sip coloured sport-drinks (such as Red Bull) from its original container. Bottled water is more for the steps and yoga crowd, not tough brute like you.

19. When bending over to take a sip from the fountain, suck in your guts.

20. When you go swimming, leave your Speedo at home unless your name is David Beckham or Michael Phelps. Recite multiplication table 唸乘數表 when scantily dressed women make you lose control. Distract yourself by imagining that you are Popeye who will save Olive Oyl from Bluto. Come to think of it, maybe you are Bluto. Grunt !!

Photo Credit 攝影图片: Wikipedia - Popeye, Olive Oyl and Bluto 【大力水手】 (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Popeye)

References:
* Athena: 【希臘神話】强壯無懼的雅典娜 - 智慧、技術、學問、戰爭的女神。
* Clydesdales: 強健的拖車馬 - 源出蘇格蘭 Clyde 地方所產名馬。
* Jane Eyre: by Charlotte Brontë - 1850
"I would not exchange this one little English girl for the Grand Turk's whole seraglio, gazelle eyes, houri-forms and all!" (Source: Wikipedia - http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/houri)
* Voluptuous: Latin voluptuosus (“‘delightful’”), from volup (“‘with pleasure’”).
* Anne Rice aka A.N. Roquelaure: Wikipedia (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anne_rice)