心眼 / In My Mind's Eye

我讀小學二、三年班的時候,就曾因為一個「自我」覌念,把自己煩過不了。当時我想解答的,就是一個很簡單的問題:『為什么我不能離開我自己身体,由別人眼中看這個世界呢?』我是想証實,以我為中心,以我眼看出去的世界,是不是和其他人看到的一樣呢?如果答案是肯定,那我的世界就不是空中樓閣,不是我「自我」主覌的產品,如答案是否定,那就大有問題了!!! 我就為這件事,煩了一段時期,我母親看見我悶悶不樂,愁眉不展,又不出去玩耍,就以為我生了病,有點憂心。我是天生內向的,当然不会把自己心事,和其他人談起來。不過好動的我,卻又不喜欢呆在家裡,過了一陣子,其他街坊小童要我去踏自行車、玩捉迷藏丶十字介豆腐丶抓子等遊戲,我也就把這想不通丶鑽牛角尖的問題擱置下來,和同年的小朋友,在街外玩個不見天日了。

When I was in Primary Two or Three, I went through a period of frustration with this concept of "self". My question was fairly simple: "Why couldn't I leave my own body and see the world through other people's eyes?" What I wanted to verify was whether the world as I saw it was identical to what other people would have seen, if I were them. If the answer was yes, then it would prove "my world" was not just a flick of my own imagination or a product of my mind's eye. However, if the answer was negative, then the "I" as I knew it then, would be in big trouble!! So for a while, I did not go play outside, my mind wondered in the quagmire, and I became quite unhappy over this irresolvable question, to the extent that my Mum thought I was falling ill. I was born an introvert and of course would not share any of my thoughts with anyone. However, being an active person, I just could not stand staying home for any extended period of time. Alas, when my neighborhood kids again came asking me whether I wanted to go bicycling, playing hide-and-seek, and other Chinese games with them, I decided to drop this cul du sec issue and ran outside with them into the sunshine.